Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Not So Fabulous

Most times life is fabulous. I try to look at it that way.

But sometimes, it isn’t and I can’t help but see it.

This year has been under the “isn’t” category. In fact, I’d like a re-do on 2012. I said this year was going to be big, but I meant good big. So far 2012 has been packed with devastating news, inconvenient challenges and unexpected disappointments. I guess, sometimes, years (or hopefully only months) are just like that.

My nephew, Lincoln, has leukemia. He’s got at least three rough years of treatment ahead. After an awful five and a half weeks he’s in remission and for that we are grateful, but it’s been HARD on my entire family.

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One of my best friend’s dad died unexpectedly. He was only 57. My friend is sad. I am sad.

On top of that we’ve been sick and hosted a lot of sickies. My parents and nephew Sawyer were here for 10 days (quarantining themselves from Lincoln who has zero immune system during chemo). We had some fun times but just about everyone had terrible colds, not to mention heavy hearts, the whole time. Max got another double ear infection, spent two weeks on the nebulizer and then had pneumonia. I feel like someone in our little family (usually me and/or Max) has been sick since before Thanksgiving. I’m so sick of sick!

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Meantime, I’m still adjusting to the news of staying here another year coupled with having three children far from family. Oh and child #3? A boy.

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A boy who is so amazing he can already blow bubbles.

Not what I was expecting. I’m going through a motherhood identity crisis. Fact: I will not raise majority female children. (Do the math. I’d have to have seven children to get majority girl and that is not happening.) Possibility: I may never get a daughter period. This is hard for me. I always wanted to raise girls – plural. Sisters. I adore my sisters. I saw myself as a mother of pedicures and ballet and feelings and bows and dresses and drama. Yes, drama. I kind of like it sometimes and think I’m decent at handling it. The news of boy #3 has shifted my game plan. Now I will be a mother of sticks and ball games and… gulp, boy scouts. (Is that why I’m in my current calling?) I know, I know, I already have two boys. Two boys doesn’t feel overwhelming to me. But three? Three boys. Three boys on top of another year far from family. Double whammy. That feels so big. Big like, let’s go ahead and print “No balls in the house!” on vinyl now because I’m suddenly very aware of how often I say it. Big like, we’ll be that rambunctious house, that noisy church pew, that crazytown boys family. Big like, three boys will marry three girls and leave me. Maybe you haven’t noticed but boys kinda leave their mamas, whereas, if you’re lucky like I am, when you are a grown woman, your mom is one of your very best friends.

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After my gender ultrasound I picked up Anderson from preschool and we had the following conversation:

Me: “Anderson, what did you learn in preschool today?”

A: “Oh, nothing.”

Me: “Which friends were there? Did you sing a song? Did you read a story? Any crafts?”

A: “I dunno.”

This is a typical exchange when I retrieve him after he’s done something without me. If I know anything about his day and can ask specifics the details start to flow, but if I don’t know what he did and I’m generic with my questions I get nothing.

Me: “Can you tell me anything about your morning?”

A: “Mom, how about I tell you later.”

Later never comes with this one. I’m always promised later, and I usually let it go. For some reason, that morning (of all mornings!) I teased:

Me: “Anderson, why do you always say, “I’ll tell you later”?”

I kid you not, his response:

A: “Because Mom, I’m a boy. And boys don’t talk.”

Exactly, Anderson. Exactly. Tears!

IMG_0651Our post ultrasound “Celebration of 3 Brothers” Cafe Rio dinner. I LOVE my boys. If I could only keep them mine forever.

There are other challenges and heartaches in my personal life and around me right now. Ones I can’t write about. It seems everyone I know is currently facing a big trial. One of the biggest emotions I’m battling this year is guilt. Guilt because I may be going through a couple rough patches, but many of my loved ones have it a lot harder so how can I complain? C’est la vie, right? But when did life get so big and so hard? Oh yeah, in 2012.

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Anyone else feel like hiding under a bucket until it all goes away?

Things are turning around. I am very hopeful for a better, brighter March starting tomorrow (in my opinion, this particular February didn’t need an extra day) and rest of 2012 to follow. The weather has been beautiful. Max is 100% better (finally!). My sister Cheryl’s optimism, bravery, humor and relentless concern for others through her own worst nightmare is admirable. She inspires me. So does this guy.

lincIt’s like he knows he’s winning his war with cancer.

I am having a healthy baby and will have a home full of three darling, sweet, best buddy brothers. How can we not be thrilled with boy?! I mean, this is going to be me every father/son campout for years. Hello sweet, sweet side of Boy Scouts.

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And my pregnancy is more than half complete. I’m 21 weeks and 1 day. Half way is big, fat deal.

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Yes I realize I’m showing my 2-0 backwards. My brain, like my life, is not in top form.

Welcome March. I am ready for spaaaa-riiiiiing! I am ready for the newness and freshness of the season. I am ready for the cleansing of rain and the bursting of colorful flowers. I am ready to blog about things that bring me joy. Back to fabulous. It’s time! I’ve had my good cry (a few of them). I am ready for many good things to come for me and for the people I love.