Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Bad, Bad Chips: My Not So Fabulous Cooking Skills

I don't cook. We've established this. Here is a classic example of what happens when I try to cook.

The following phone conversation took place between me and Mindy Friday afternoon. I was preparing an incredibly easy recipe I got from Krysta. Harley and I had a first date with new friends that night, and we'd invited them over to our place afterwards for hot chocolate and treats. I can prepare hot chocolate and treats, right?

Mindy: Hey, what's up?

Wendy: Can you melt chocolate chips in the microwave?

M: Yes, but you have to be careful. Chocolate chips are tricky. They melt fast, so use small intervals.

W: I did! I started at just :20 seconds, then stirred, then :30, stir, :60, stir. It started bubbling in the middle but the sides weren't melting so I took it out and now I'm back on the stove. And just so you know, I started on the stove, but had the same results: bubble in the middle, chunky and unmelted on the sides.

M: I think you went to far. You may have burned them.

W: My kitchen smells like S'mores.

M: You went too far.

W: I was watching them and doing small intervals! How did I miss it? This looks all grainy, like really really ground up beef.

M: It's okay. I mess up chocolate chips all the time.

W: Maybe it's because my chips were expired?

M: How old are they?

W: Oh, I don't know. We've had them since our wedding.

M: What?! Five YEARS?

W: Well, I think so. I just know I've never bought chocolate chips.

M: How have you never bought chocolate chips? What do you do when you want cookies?

W: Scoop a chunk off my Pillsbury cookie dough. If I'm really motivated, I put it in the oven.

M: Yeah, okay, I forget who I'm talking to.

W: Come to think of it... this was for sure a wedding gift that came with a cookie recipe. We've definitely moved this bag four times. It's some fancy brand: Guittard?

M: That's a really good brand. I love Guittard.

W: Well why didn't the person just give us the cash?! I made these last week with Tollhouse chips. Those worked fine. They weren't expired. Come to think of it, maybe I did buy that bag of chocolate chips. I knew I had these Guittard ones but the fancy packaging stressed me out. It was foreign. I felt I'd deal with them later with some fancy recipe. So I bought the name I knew: Tollhouse.

M: What are you making?

W: Scotcheroos

M: I love scotcheroos. Make them all the time.

W: Will they be good without the topping?

M: No.

W: Oh, wait, it's kind of starting to melt on the bottom. Maybe if I just keep stirring... Okay, now it looks like Marzipan's (Mindy's dog) poop. Mindy, I've got dog crap on my stove!!!

M: Yeah, you've gone too far.

W: Well, how do you know if they are expired? Does it say on the bag?

M: Chocolate definitely goes bad. It gets white stuff on it.

W: Oh yeah, these chips were covered in white stuff. I just thought it was like fancy powdered sugar because they were fancy chips.

M: Oh my gosh.

W: They were bad?

M (laughing): Um, yeah, they were bad.

W: Well, what am I going to do? It's our first date!

M: Can't Harley stop and get some new chips on the way home?

W: I have the car. We're all meeting at the metro in 1 hour! I gotta come up with Plan B. I gotta go!

M (laughing harder): You are funny. Bye.


Dolphinsbarn said...

I'm not ever eating anything at your house that I don't personally pull from its original packaging. You can't be trusted!

Harley King said...

I've been eating dog poop for five years.


Your RCTs are to-die for!

Jill said...

I'm not much of a cook either Wendy. I'm more of a reheater, defroster, pizza-orderer. But, that casserole you brought after I had Alaina was really good.

becky said...

Bahahahahaha! Best story ever on so many levels. :) I love you and your cooking. And I love Mindy's careful guidance. And I love that you've had that bag of chocolate chips for 5 years.

Also, I love that nail polish -- I totally have that color. Great minds...

Kelly D. said...

You should stick to those ham and melted cheese bagels. You are a ham and cheese bagel GENIUS.

Is that Essie nail polish the one you were wearing in those Thanksgiving pictures? Because I love that color and I want it!

Ming said...

You're the only girl I know that will move a bag of chocolate chips 3 times!!! Including a move across the entire country! Love you!

Ryan and Cheryl Harris said...

I hope whoever gave you those for your wedding doesn't frequent your blog.

Codi said...

For one non cook to another... If you come acrss a "Never Fail" recipes, don't get to excited, they can FAIL!

Sarah S said...

You are hilarious! I hope your Plan B turned out okay :)

Lisa said...

remember that one time ali made cookies and they were so gross that she threw them in the lake and the next morning the fish died? at least you and i aren't the only weiler that can't cook...although ali is really good now. ps your new layout does look good

DC Diva said...

Kelly -- yes I am wearing Wicked in those Thanksgiving pictures. It's great for the holidays. Wicked all the way!

Lauren said...

Note to self: never be without back up dough from the package.

Szobonya Bercel said...

couldn't stop laughing... :) You're sooo sooo funny! :)

The Knisley's said...

HAHAHA!! You're hilarious. I could totally hear your voice while reading that story. I've made the same mistake with the microwave and choc. chips PLENTY of times... it has taken many trial runs to finally do it somewhat right.

btw- Did you REALLY have the bag since your wedding?!? We're lucky no one died. :-)

Ali Snow said...

Hahahaha - chocolate chips and our fam just don't go well together.

Emily said...

This is HILARIOUS! I'm so glad you wrote the transcript, because I didn't realize just how funny it could get. So funny. I had no idea you weren't into cooking! I never knew.

Soooo...wanna give my recipe for FOUR INGREDIENT homemade macaroni and cheese a try and review it on the Bossy blog? ;-)

Sorry Harley, you might want to stick with the box kind.

Hey--did you guys vote on Joe's guilty pleasure hip hop? I had to go with Fresh Prince.


janaemadsen said...

I love the phone conversation- and the pictures!

Jessica Taggart said...

maybe you can just always serve ramen or RCT's?

carter said...

You can't make this stuff up.